Hey everyone. I will make this pretty long and it will be more of something I need to get out of my chest as it has been on my mind for quite a while. I'm sorry that I have been more of writing journals where I have been out more and explaining that I was busy with real life; it's quite tedious honestly and I know people don't read my journals much but it's fine and I understand. I hope this doesn't worry anyone, hopefully, and I don't expect any sympathy or related feelings in return. Anyways, here I go.
So, having been on here for some time, since a year ago on August, I have to say it has been fun. I remember I was excited to post stuff and see what others have posted; now it sort of lost its charm. I never really used social media (in fact, I would say I was much happier without it) and was never much of a people person. I realized as time moved along, that I was becoming more self-conscious about myself and especially what others did. It's a major flaw I have which ironically developed after I started to use social media. I don't know if you guys do consider this site social media, but technically it is (after reading up on an article about da being a social media site due to similarities). I know how it's different from other social media sites, since it involves posting creativity as opposed to selfies and other random crap which is sadly out of vanity but I digress.
I have been feeling down for quite some time, okay maybe for like almost 3 years (when comes August it will be three) and social media has brought me down more. I realized that as I was looking at others' works, it made me feel like I needed to do other stuff to get people interested or maybe I should strive to be at that level or even be myself. I found myself straining physically and emotionally just so that I can feel better about myself. It wasn't worth it in the long run. I still felt the same and it never went away. This applies to other sites like when I started to use snapchat, which actually made me feel like crap compared to everyone else. No offense to anyone who uses it or for the people I know who uses it; it's not meant to be directed to anyone in particular.
I might not post stuff here as often (or even as of right now, or in the future) because I really don't see a need to be on here in the present time. I just think that I should do something to make me happy (I lost interest in hobbies like reading because of my being lost), and I won't go much into detail about my life but I can say it looks like I have to pick up the pieces of myself and start over again.
I'm not saying I don't like this site anymore; it is that I have been worse on myself and how I perceive the world but it's kind of complicated to explain so don't worry about it. I still like it, but not as much as before when I first started.
Sites like these actually made me feel happy (but it was only for a short time until I started to feel bad about myself again). I know I have been hurting myself and others whom I know and love which is making me feel worse because they would want to see me happy, full of hope and the person who they know and became friends with.
School and life has been kind of eh, and I wouldn't say that right now things are getting better, if only slightly. I haven't been myself, the real me, for a long time now. I figured that eventually, I could move on and be happy again; maybe even, if only, find myself as I was before. But I realized that I had to take a break, indefinitely, on what social media sites I was on; including deviantart, if I were to begin on that journey. I just haven't really found it to be something to fall back to when I need to (as more people have gone and left from the site).
I wish things could be better honestly. I think that I need to reorganize my life right now and figure out what I want to do, need, or find some purpose; right now, I'm lost. I have been conflicted with who I am friends with, what I want to do in my future as I near adulthood, and whether I will find the happiness I lost a couple of years ago. I'm sorry if all of this is not making sense but I am just typing whatever comes to mind so I apologize. It's helpful to get my thoughts out of my head and let myself be known as to how I feel and what I think in reality.
I never liked change, and even if I have been used to change, a part of me still wants things to stay the same. Like when I moved to another state 2 years ago, it was hard. I felt alone and had to keep going even when I wanted to give up; now I am free from whatever has chained me down but now it still lingers on me. I know I should not be so pessimistic but it's difficult when everything around you just seems that way and you get used to it. I haven't found any real meaning to where I am right now, and I am aware that it might bring concern. Don't worry, I won't do anything drastic or heartbreaking. I feel like a good break is what I need to recollect myself from whatever I experienced and in the present.
What I'm trying to say is, that all of this social media and what I've been through has taken a toll on me. I know that I am posting my thoughts on here, and it might be rather sensitive and private. But I'm okay with that. I would have it out to share and let people know as opposed to not saying anything and letting it eat me on the inside. I wish I could have not typed this journal, and it will make some people I know sad. I don't know what else to say, besides hoping that one day I'll say I'm fine, this time genuinely. I will come back and post stuff (like a selfie of me, still considering it whether or not I will go ahead and do it), and until then I hope people will understand. This applies to other social media like snapchat since I know some friends who use it. I need this time to figure out how I can be happy again which is the main thing I want right here, right now.
Please don't be concerned and I will be still doing whatever I feel like doing in real life, but I do wish all of you guys the best of luck in whatever you do (and to do what you feel is right, even if no one agrees). It's funny because I don't follow my own advice but yet still tell people because I want them to be okay. I am used to helping people but not myself which is why I am on a hiatus indefinitely.
Thank you for taking the time to read this journal, if you did indeed read it to the very end, and if not, it's alright. If it still does not make sense, well like I mentioned before it's a collection of my thoughts and isn't meant to be coherent or logical. I simply wanted to put how I feel and my thoughts out there so I can get it off my chest and let people know because they deserve a right to.
I'm scared that I won't find happiness or even myself, which is the point of all this. I do know that I will someday; I still have hope that I'll stop being this way and finally enjoy life like I have before. This isn't a goodbye, but a see you later again.